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Entry tags:
>> happiness
ok. ok. okaay. this is gonna be a challenging reflection to write simply because this was so Much of a fic in itself. it's the only one of my miya twins fics that I wrote post-chapter 381, since I churned out crossroads and game point right before 381 was released. in a way, happiness is the purest cumulation of all the thoughts and feelings I have been having since I learnt how the twins' roads split.
here are the notes I made in lieu of an outline, of the events and ideas I wanted to capture:
1) Osamu and Atsumu's parting, and their learning that they don't need to be doing the same things to be together
2) the fact that in a way, Hinata is Atsumu's perfect replacement for Osamu
3) the meaning of happiness, to both of them.
When I read chapter 381, I was extremely smitten by the way Osamu framed his fight with Atsumu. As this redditor eloquently put it, for both his and Atsumu's sakes, Osamu changed the battlefield from volleyball court to life so they would still be on a level playing field even when they were on different paths.
See, the thing about making a decision as big as Osamu did is... there are two parties who suffer the fallout.
Atsumu had always dreamt of standing on the court with Osamu - because obviously, obviously that was he had always pictured: a future with Osamu by his side. They were going to conquer the world together. That Osamu should drop it on him that, no, that dream would never come true, must have felt like betrayal of the biggest scale to him. How could the one person in the whole world who should know him almost as well as he knows himself, shatter that dream like this? Even though I was writing from Osamu's POV, I tried to bring that sense of hurt and betrayal across, and it worked exactly because that is how close the two of them are and how much they understand each other.
And for Osamu, the hurt only doubles because knowing that the one thing his brother wants for both of them is the one thing he cannot give. Can you imagine knowing that you will be, and having to be, the person who breaks that dream with your own hands? On top of that, the pursuit of happiness - Osamu makes this choice because 1) he wants his own happiness, and 2) he knows that Atsumu would be even more angry and upset if he gave up his own happiness to fulfill Atsumu's dreams. That's the kind of relationship the two of them were learning to navigate when they fought over it in high school, and I tried my best to bring that across in Chapter 1's flashbacks.
Notice also that even in their canon fight, Atsumu looks defeated. He's angry, he's betrayed, but he's also lost. He may have tried to change Osamu's mind from the first time they fought until the scene in the gym, but I'd dare say his bigger fear is: How are things going to change between them from now on? Where's the future I was looking for? Osamu's always been Atsumu's balance, the only one who isn't afraid to fight back against Atsumu's shitty personality, call him out for his bullshit, who can hit his tosses, who can set to him. Osamu says himself that he doesn't trust Atsumu in any sense of the word, but their bond is so deep it's a subconscious knowledge that Atsumu will send him the ball. More on this in a bit.
I used onigiri as a central theme in this fic. Firstly because it's Osamu's symbol, secondly because food was a central theme for them even in canon, thirdly because onigiri is food. It's family. It's a sign that, Hey, I cared enough to get you food. I cared enough to make you something. I took time out of my day to think of you, whether you were eating, what you would like.
In this fic, it features in the following ways:
The next central theme would be the idea of a "partner", and the replacing of that partner. I think one of the biggest reasons why I enjoy Atsuhina vs Kagehina vs Miya twins is the idea of "a partner you click with" (Atsuhina) vs "a partner you are destined to work with" (Kagehina, Miya twins).
Osamu was to Atsumu, not just a brother, but also his spiker and back-up setter. Like I mentioned earlier on, he's not just the only one who could pull off an impromptu freak quick with Atsumu, but he's never been someone who trusted Atsumu (which I reference in eclipse!). Osamu's the exact same way with Atsumu that Hinata is with Kageyama (also referenced in eclipse) - he takes it as a given that the ball will come to him. In that way, he's also a demanding spiker on Atsumu, the same way that Atsumu is a demanding setter on him. And there's the added bonus of Osamu being able to set, almost as well as Atsumu can.
In all regards, this makes Osamu absolutely irreplaceable and a huge part of Atsumu's strength. Two of them are really a force to be reckoned with, if you think about it this way.
So if Atsumu loses Osamu, he's losing a huge part of his strength. Atsumu alone is remarkable enough, but it's exactly because he has Osamu that they stand a head above the rest together. And Osamu must know this as clearly as Atsumu does, which is what I try to explore in chapter 2 of happiness - he's not someone who's easily replaced. It would be difficult for Atsumu to find a spiker who could fill even half of Osamu's shoes and make use of the same way he did Osamu.
Here is where Hinata comes in - Hinata, obviously, is the original player of the freak quick, so he's as fast as, or even faster than Osamu. And after Brazil, he's shown to have learnt to set due to the nature of beach vball. That's the one skill that would have been difficult for any other spiker to hone to Osamu's level, especially since I would bet a limb that Osamu and Atsumu swapped roles in casual games all throughout their playing years, since both of them have played setter before. They might even have played 2-on-2 games because they are just extra like that.
So Atsumu has found himself a replacement in Hinata. You can see from his body language - Osamu can see from Atsumu's body language that he definitely sees Hinata as a partner: Atsumu treats Hinata like how he did Osamu, slinging an arm over his shoulders. Osamu does have the acute feeling that he's lost that special thing that he used to share with Atsumu, multiple times over chapter 2 - first when he finds out Atsumu tossed Hinata the freak quick, then when he realised Hinata could set as well.
How difficult must it feel, to watch yourself get replaced like that?
And I think he recognises that Atsumu can sense it too - that in Atsumu's heart, some part that Osamu used to occupy has been replaced by Hinata. That's the reason for the guilty look Atsumu gives him at the end of the chapter: even though he wants to be happy, he wants to be happier than Osamu, there's also part of Atsumu that felt like he would be happiest with Osamu beside him. But now that he's realised that he can be that kind of happiest without Osamu, he's already replaced Osamu with Hinata, it must be one hell of a complicated emotion Atsumu is having.
This ultimately goes back to the basic theme of happiness, which is the one thing connecting this story to their conversation in canon.
don't think either of them had a very happy first few years post-high school, tbh - learning to navigate different paths in life all by themselves when they were both so used to having someone with them must not have been easy, and Atsumu had to go from being a senior in HS to the youngest in his team. He can't be as demanding on his spikers anymore without outright breaking some social norms. There would definitely have been some hesitance and reticence on his part, which Osamu makes note of when he watches Atsumu play in chapter 1.
But in chapter 2, he sees the difference immediately.
Atsumu looking a little different when he sees him at Kamei Arena, in a way Osamu himself might not necessarily have even seen before, which must surely be a little jarring since he of all people should know all of Atsumu's faces; Atsumu breaking routine to call him on a weekday night, how happy he sounds even over the phone; Atsumu's smile on the court when Hinata sends him the set, the biggest one Osamu has seen in a long time.
Osamu might not be physically next to Atsumu all the time anymore, and they might not even keep in touch as much, but Atsumu's still his brother and he definitely still can pick up on Atsumu's moods well enough. Osamu does wonder at one point if he's missed any of such big moments for Atsumu in the time they've been apart, but I think part of him knows that if Atsumu had been this happy, he'd have called then as well.
So what does Osamu do - he knows he's found his own happiness, and a part of him knows that Atsumu finally has found his own, in the form of Hinata. Maybe not even in a shippy sense of the word (although it is implied that Atsumu is more honest with Hinata than he would ever admit to Osamu) but just - there's finally someone who can take the space next to Atsumu that he had abandoned, and now Atsumu can play as happily as he always wanted to with Osamu by his side.
Because sure, it's a competition, but they're brothers at all, and very close ones at that. The least you'd want for each other is to be happy. Atsumu gave Osamu the freedom to be happy, and now that Atsumu has found his happiness, that makes Osamu happy too.
So he just says, in a way that Atsumu would understand: "You had fun today."
And Atsumu doesn't need to say anything, because Osamu knows.
--
Easter Eggs! I realised while I was writing this that I put a lot of thought into little things across the fic, but I'm never sure if they're picked up on LOL.
here are the notes I made in lieu of an outline, of the events and ideas I wanted to capture:
- First time osamu goes to Atsumu's game, being in the stands and not the court, not even on the bench
- Atsumu and Osamu’s quarrel
- Atsumu accepting the change of conditions (from competing in volleyball to happiness)
- How they made amends (a week after their quarrel in the gym. Atsumu offers him a casual game of vball; Osamu makes food for him)
- He’s seen Atsumu play many times by the time the Jackals match rolls around, always makes it a point to set up shop at the venue (for publicity, he says)
- First time he sees Atsumu pull the freak quick with hinata, the pride that bubbles within him
- How he doesn't need to be on the court to be there with atsumu
- *Osamu has always been the more honest of the two; Atsumu never likes to speak the truth
- Hinata sets to Atsumu, just like Osamu once did
- Atsumu reacting to Osamu
- Osamu recognising that Atsumu will be fine, after that scene with Hinata in 282
1) Osamu and Atsumu's parting, and their learning that they don't need to be doing the same things to be together
2) the fact that in a way, Hinata is Atsumu's perfect replacement for Osamu
3) the meaning of happiness, to both of them.
When I read chapter 381, I was extremely smitten by the way Osamu framed his fight with Atsumu. As this redditor eloquently put it, for both his and Atsumu's sakes, Osamu changed the battlefield from volleyball court to life so they would still be on a level playing field even when they were on different paths.
See, the thing about making a decision as big as Osamu did is... there are two parties who suffer the fallout.
Atsumu had always dreamt of standing on the court with Osamu - because obviously, obviously that was he had always pictured: a future with Osamu by his side. They were going to conquer the world together. That Osamu should drop it on him that, no, that dream would never come true, must have felt like betrayal of the biggest scale to him. How could the one person in the whole world who should know him almost as well as he knows himself, shatter that dream like this? Even though I was writing from Osamu's POV, I tried to bring that sense of hurt and betrayal across, and it worked exactly because that is how close the two of them are and how much they understand each other.
And for Osamu, the hurt only doubles because knowing that the one thing his brother wants for both of them is the one thing he cannot give. Can you imagine knowing that you will be, and having to be, the person who breaks that dream with your own hands? On top of that, the pursuit of happiness - Osamu makes this choice because 1) he wants his own happiness, and 2) he knows that Atsumu would be even more angry and upset if he gave up his own happiness to fulfill Atsumu's dreams. That's the kind of relationship the two of them were learning to navigate when they fought over it in high school, and I tried my best to bring that across in Chapter 1's flashbacks.
Notice also that even in their canon fight, Atsumu looks defeated. He's angry, he's betrayed, but he's also lost. He may have tried to change Osamu's mind from the first time they fought until the scene in the gym, but I'd dare say his bigger fear is: How are things going to change between them from now on? Where's the future I was looking for? Osamu's always been Atsumu's balance, the only one who isn't afraid to fight back against Atsumu's shitty personality, call him out for his bullshit, who can hit his tosses, who can set to him. Osamu says himself that he doesn't trust Atsumu in any sense of the word, but their bond is so deep it's a subconscious knowledge that Atsumu will send him the ball. More on this in a bit.
I used onigiri as a central theme in this fic. Firstly because it's Osamu's symbol, secondly because food was a central theme for them even in canon, thirdly because onigiri is food. It's family. It's a sign that, Hey, I cared enough to get you food. I cared enough to make you something. I took time out of my day to think of you, whether you were eating, what you would like.
In this fic, it features in the following ways:
- Osamu making Atsumu's favourite onigiri, on the day of his V-League debut, and handing it to him after the game (it's implied that it was something Osamu used to do for himself back when he played)
- Osamu making onigiri for the team and his family, and learning to define his own happiness through it
- Osamu making onigiri for Atsumu to make up for their fight, after Atsumu offered Osamu a game to make amends.
- Atsumu buying onigiri for Osamu when they were 9. Osamu thinks it was because Atsumu was just happy he'd won. There's a more than zero possibility that Atsumu also felt a teeny bit bad. Osamu wouldn't know, anyway.
- Atsumu and Osamu's onigiri are similar, but not the same. Just like how they, as people, are not the same.
- Atsumu introducing Osamu's onigiri to Hinata and his team. That's like, sharing your favourite food with someone important to you. Osamu using onigiri to bond with Hinata (at Atsumu's expense).
- Osamu using his onigiri to be with Atsumu, in a way. He sets up shop regularly at the Jackals' games - which means he goes around Japan to watch Atsumu play while also pursuing what makes himself happy. He's there, not on the court, but still physically there in the arena.
hey I just realised that onigiris are technically balls too. made of rice
The next central theme would be the idea of a "partner", and the replacing of that partner. I think one of the biggest reasons why I enjoy Atsuhina vs Kagehina vs Miya twins is the idea of "a partner you click with" (Atsuhina) vs "a partner you are destined to work with" (Kagehina, Miya twins).
Osamu was to Atsumu, not just a brother, but also his spiker and back-up setter. Like I mentioned earlier on, he's not just the only one who could pull off an impromptu freak quick with Atsumu, but he's never been someone who trusted Atsumu (which I reference in eclipse!). Osamu's the exact same way with Atsumu that Hinata is with Kageyama (also referenced in eclipse) - he takes it as a given that the ball will come to him. In that way, he's also a demanding spiker on Atsumu, the same way that Atsumu is a demanding setter on him. And there's the added bonus of Osamu being able to set, almost as well as Atsumu can.
In all regards, this makes Osamu absolutely irreplaceable and a huge part of Atsumu's strength. Two of them are really a force to be reckoned with, if you think about it this way.
So if Atsumu loses Osamu, he's losing a huge part of his strength. Atsumu alone is remarkable enough, but it's exactly because he has Osamu that they stand a head above the rest together. And Osamu must know this as clearly as Atsumu does, which is what I try to explore in chapter 2 of happiness - he's not someone who's easily replaced. It would be difficult for Atsumu to find a spiker who could fill even half of Osamu's shoes and make use of the same way he did Osamu.
Here is where Hinata comes in - Hinata, obviously, is the original player of the freak quick, so he's as fast as, or even faster than Osamu. And after Brazil, he's shown to have learnt to set due to the nature of beach vball. That's the one skill that would have been difficult for any other spiker to hone to Osamu's level, especially since I would bet a limb that Osamu and Atsumu swapped roles in casual games all throughout their playing years, since both of them have played setter before. They might even have played 2-on-2 games because they are just extra like that.
So Atsumu has found himself a replacement in Hinata. You can see from his body language - Osamu can see from Atsumu's body language that he definitely sees Hinata as a partner: Atsumu treats Hinata like how he did Osamu, slinging an arm over his shoulders. Osamu does have the acute feeling that he's lost that special thing that he used to share with Atsumu, multiple times over chapter 2 - first when he finds out Atsumu tossed Hinata the freak quick, then when he realised Hinata could set as well.
How difficult must it feel, to watch yourself get replaced like that?
And I think he recognises that Atsumu can sense it too - that in Atsumu's heart, some part that Osamu used to occupy has been replaced by Hinata. That's the reason for the guilty look Atsumu gives him at the end of the chapter: even though he wants to be happy, he wants to be happier than Osamu, there's also part of Atsumu that felt like he would be happiest with Osamu beside him. But now that he's realised that he can be that kind of happiest without Osamu, he's already replaced Osamu with Hinata, it must be one hell of a complicated emotion Atsumu is having.
This ultimately goes back to the basic theme of happiness, which is the one thing connecting this story to their conversation in canon.
don't think either of them had a very happy first few years post-high school, tbh - learning to navigate different paths in life all by themselves when they were both so used to having someone with them must not have been easy, and Atsumu had to go from being a senior in HS to the youngest in his team. He can't be as demanding on his spikers anymore without outright breaking some social norms. There would definitely have been some hesitance and reticence on his part, which Osamu makes note of when he watches Atsumu play in chapter 1.
But in chapter 2, he sees the difference immediately.
Atsumu looking a little different when he sees him at Kamei Arena, in a way Osamu himself might not necessarily have even seen before, which must surely be a little jarring since he of all people should know all of Atsumu's faces; Atsumu breaking routine to call him on a weekday night, how happy he sounds even over the phone; Atsumu's smile on the court when Hinata sends him the set, the biggest one Osamu has seen in a long time.
Osamu might not be physically next to Atsumu all the time anymore, and they might not even keep in touch as much, but Atsumu's still his brother and he definitely still can pick up on Atsumu's moods well enough. Osamu does wonder at one point if he's missed any of such big moments for Atsumu in the time they've been apart, but I think part of him knows that if Atsumu had been this happy, he'd have called then as well.
So what does Osamu do - he knows he's found his own happiness, and a part of him knows that Atsumu finally has found his own, in the form of Hinata. Maybe not even in a shippy sense of the word (although it is implied that Atsumu is more honest with Hinata than he would ever admit to Osamu) but just - there's finally someone who can take the space next to Atsumu that he had abandoned, and now Atsumu can play as happily as he always wanted to with Osamu by his side.
Because sure, it's a competition, but they're brothers at all, and very close ones at that. The least you'd want for each other is to be happy. Atsumu gave Osamu the freedom to be happy, and now that Atsumu has found his happiness, that makes Osamu happy too.
So he just says, in a way that Atsumu would understand: "You had fun today."
And Atsumu doesn't need to say anything, because Osamu knows.
--
Easter Eggs! I realised while I was writing this that I put a lot of thought into little things across the fic, but I'm never sure if they're picked up on LOL.
- As I mentioned in the fic itself, I based the Asahi Wolves off the V-League team Wolf Dogs Nagoya (Toyoda Gosei Trefuerza). Wing Arena Kariya is the real-life home arena of the TEKT Stings, and is an actual venue used in the V-League.
- Tebasaki - Nagoya-style chicken wings. A natural choice, since Wing Arena Kariya is based near Nagoya.
- Atsumu's jersey is #18 - I got this number by adding #7 and #11, their Inarizaki jersey numbers in second year, together.
- Onigiri roulette - nope, totally not inspired by all the creampuff roulette videos I watch MZM play, nope (absolutely yes)
- Umeboshi onigiri - inspired by Fruits Basket, yes.
- Uchiyama-san, the previous setter of the Asahi Wolves - I was actually looking up real V-League game brochures for details to include in the fictional brochure; in the V-League 2015/16 final, the Wolf Dogs Nagoya setter's name was Uchiyama.
- The train back from Nagoya to Osaka - Osamu would have been on this train, but in the opposite direction.
- Tuna mayo onigiri - Atsumu loves fatty tuna. He'd probably love it. Tuna onigiri is a key feature of my timeskip fics.
- Soy sauce tuna mayo onigiri - is an actual onigiri sold at Lawson. I chose it because it was cheap, and hence relatively affordable for midlde-school Miya Atsumu. Also, it's similar but different enough from tuna mayo onigiri.
- Yes, I've always headcanoned Osamu to be the older twin, and yes, I still stand by that headcanon. High school Atsumu acts like a typical younger sibling, ngl.